LINGUIST List 13.1106

Sun Apr 21 2002

All: HAVE YOU SEEN LINGUIST LIST?

Editor for this issue: Karolina Owczarzak <karolinalinguistlist.org>


Directory

  1. Richard John Harvey, LINGUIST LIST KIDNAPPED! Breaking News
  2. Richard John Harvey, T-SHIRTS TOTE-ALLY TRENDY
  3. Richard John Harvey, UNICODE BOMBER STRIKES AGAIN

Message 1: LINGUIST LIST KIDNAPPED! Breaking News

Date: Sun, 21 Apr 2002 16:00:12 -0400 (EDT)
From: Richard John Harvey <richardlinguistlist.org>
Subject: LINGUIST LIST KIDNAPPED! Breaking News

*** EXCLUSIVE!!! ***

*** LINGUIST LIST KIDNAPPED! ***

(Read this issue online at http://linguistlist.org/malingua.html,
or at http://linguistlist.org/malingua-notunicode.html)

LINGUIST List Now LINGUIST Lost

Breaking news has reached the desks of the MaLingua team that the
famous and global reaching LINGUIST List website disappeared last
night in mysterious circumstances, leaving behind only a blank page.
 Then terror was struck into the hearts of the LINGUIST List crew
when this morning detectives investigating the case discovered a
crudely written ransom note confirming everybody's worst fears: the
site had been kidnapped. The note was signed by the International
Front for Website Equality (IFWE), and was written in the IPA.

SHOCKING!

 Helen Aristar-Dry, moderator and longtime stalwart of the list
told MaLingua in an exclusive interview "I was shocked! I couldn't
believe my own eyes. I came in to work this morning as usual, switched
on my computer and the site was gone. I was devastated."
 Things escalated when at 11am a phone call was received at the
office from the perpetrators of this heinous crime, ordering Anthony
Aristar to step outside the building alone and pick up a package that
had been left by a trash can. Inside this package was the severed left
sidebar of the website, proving beyond a doubt that the kidnappers
were far from kidding.
 As the tension grew and fingers started to be pointed, detectives
initiated one of the biggest site-hunts in the history of crime
solving, in the hope that more damage to the site could be
avoided. Agencies involved include FBI, CIA, KGB, SAS, Interpol, LSA
and LAGB. However, as of yet the search has returned no matches and
the search engine has now gone offline.
 The focus of investigation has centered around several prominent
suspects: SIL, well known for the outrageously luxurious conditions in
which their field linguists are known to gather data; Amazon.com who
are reported to be extremely jealous about the sheer coverage that
LINGUIST List gets; and the Freudian Institute of Underground
Psychology, who have been heard to explicitly state on numerous
occasions "Why don't we have a site like LINGUIST List in psychology?"
 However, revelations have come to the attention of the crack
reporters at MaLingua, leading to the conclusion that this is in fact
an inside job. We have in our possession certain photographs that
clearly catch the kidnappers red-handed. A group of disgruntled
student editors, fed up with the draconian working conditions and
constant whippings dished out on an hourly basis, decided to take
matters into their own hands, breaking into the office with
cat-burglar like stealth, and snatching the site while the moderators
were sleeping. They also took two color printer cartridges, an
electric fan (possibly connected to the sudden spell of clement
weather in Michigan) and a collection of pens. They also took nearly
all of LINGUIST List's stock of trendy T-shirts and tote bags, causing
a panic as these were to be sent out to generous linguists all around
the world as gifts. Luckily Helen Aristar-Dry's forethought saved the
day on this one as she had stashed a secret supply behind various
candy and drink vending machines in the office, fearing that something
clandestine was in the works.
 It is the stolen T-shirts that have proved to be the downfall of
the kidnappers, believed to be run by the Polish defector student
Karolina Owczarzak, whose dark and mysterious manner has often caused
a shiver down the spines of many an honest linguist. The pictures we
have detail Owczarzak, now going under the alias Agent O, with her
trusted second in command Richard 'I use my second name John all the
time to try and impress people' Harvey, selling the loot to a shady
looking character who is believed to be the local gangster boss Steve
Moran, who runs his operation out of Milan, MI. The pictures capture
the exchange of the booty for $35.00 and ten packets of instant
noodles, a veritable student feast.

PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZATION

Other members of the IFWE are thought to be; Heather Taylor-Loring,
who allegedly last year stole all the staples and caused havoc with
the LINGUIST List job process; Michael 'Gan Canny' Appleby, whose
cunning deception had us all fooled because everyone thought he was
such a nice young man, when in reality he only organized this year's
Fund Drive to line the pockets of IFWE; and Karen Milligan, whose
connections to the Russian Ballet are believed to be a front for
illegal Phoneme and NP importing.
 All efforts to trace IFWE, however, have proven fruitless and it
appears obvious that if LINGUIST List wants its site back without
further damage, they are going to have to give in to the kidnappers
and pay the ransom. IFWE have demanded an extortionate $48,000. So
far, in a desperate attempt to raise the cash, Prof. Aristar-Dry has
sold her cat Percival to a circus as he is exceptionally talented with
a unicycle, Anthony Aristar has sold most of his hair to a wig-maker,
and everyone has delved deep into their tattered pockets for loose
change. The total raised is $226, 1. 2s. 3d., 25 rupees and a
mothball. If the cash isn't raised soon, student editors still loyal
to the List will have to sell their organs. One of these students,
James Yuells, said he would organize a sponsored levitation, and Naomi
Ogasawara said she would stop using candles when she was working late,
although how she will see to do stuff is as yet undetermined as the
editors are refused access to light switches.

 A final-straw decision was made seconds before we went to press,
 namely that a plea should be put to subscribers of LINGUIST List, as
 it is well known that linguists are among the best paid academics in
 the world. Not much hope is being held on this course of action
 because an incredible 500 or so have already given recently, which is
 a huge proportion of the total 15,600 subscribers that we have: it is
 suspected that the linguistic community is now skint, flat broke,
 penniless, destitute etc.
 
 If you can help with the LINGUIST List Ransom Fund, or you have
any information on the evil IFWE, please contact the WEBSITE POLICE
at:
 http://linguistlist.org/donate.html

You will be treated with the utmost confidentiality and you may be
eligible for a reward.


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Message 2: T-SHIRTS TOTE-ALLY TRENDY

Date: Sun, 21 Apr 2002 16:02:10 -0400 (EDT)
From: Richard John Harvey <richardlinguistlist.org>
Subject: T-SHIRTS TOTE-ALLY TRENDY

*** T-SHIRTS TOTE-ALLY TRENDY ***

Fashion Report From Milan

At the last week's fashion show in Milan, MI, one of the biggest and
most influential gatherings of haute-couture designers in Michigan,
where everybody who aspires to be somebody has to come (in the front
row we spotted the great Milan entrepreneur Steve "The Boss" Moran,
who is whispered to have sponsored this year's Gucci and Prada
collections), a few surprising trends for Spring/Summer 2002 have
emerged. Navy blue seems to be the new black of the season, appearing
both in garments and accessories. Models paraded on the catwalk
wearing scarcely anything but extremely sexy navy blue T-shirts with a
yellow sun, or possibly an orange, and some kind of unrecognizable
logo in front (our sharp-sighted reporters swore that two big L's
could still be discerned among the pattern). Michael Chen, a new
oriental talent designing for Gucci, thus summarized their collection:
"We tried to capture the essence of the summer season. The navy blue
brings to your mind the calm waves of the Mediterranean, whereas the
sun, or the orange, as the case might be, symbolizes the warmth and
freshness of all life awakening in spring. The two L's are
just... hmm... an abstract graphic design." The collection was
received with more than enthusiastic reviews. "I'm just dying to have
one of those T-shirts," confessed Dina Kapetangianni, the rising star
of the catwalk, with tears in her eyes, "Unfortunately, the whole
batch is going to be sold at Gucci salons for $5,000 a piece, and we
are not even allowed to keep the ones we were wearing at the show
today."
 Another item that awoke a great sensation was the new tote bag
presented by Prada. Prada seems to have picked up the obligatory
navy-blue trend, and even the symbolism of sun/orange with double L
graphic design. Gayathri Sriram, a chief fashion editor for Vogue and
a great connoisseur of accessories, was ecstatic when the tote bags
hit the runway. "I cannot believe that something so simple could be so
in," she said, "I already started saving money for one of them." This
might take some time, because the price tags on the tote bags start at
$2,000.
 
The pictures from the show can be seen at:

 http://linguistlist.org/premiums.html
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Message 3: UNICODE BOMBER STRIKES AGAIN

Date: Sun, 21 Apr 2002 16:07:13 -0400 (EDT)
From: Richard John Harvey <richardlinguistlist.org>
Subject: UNICODE BOMBER STRIKES AGAIN

*** UNICODE BOMBER STRIKES AGAIN ***

Following the series of recent attacks on various web-sites, including
LINGUIST List, by the notorious Unicode bomber, another terrible
incident has happened yesterday morning when all involved were least
expecting it.
 Marie Klopfenstein from Detroit, MI was in shock as she
discovered that the website of her favorite grocery store had turned
to little squares, and she swore the machine blew a raspberry at her
when she tried to reboot it. Mrs Klopfenstein, full time domestic
engineer and mother of five was outraged, "It's a disgrace, that nasty
Unicode man should be put behind bars!"
 The Unicode bomber, believed to be a member of the outlawed UTF-8
organization, has been known to target naive individuals and
organisations who in their quest for development and a pat on the back
from the ISO, try in vain to input funny, non-English characters into
their web-pages.
 A typical course of action for this scary gremlin is to wait
until everyone has gone home then sneak inside your computer via the
outlet fan. There he sits in wait until you switch on, and BAM, all
your data turns to squares and the little beastie is laughing his
socks off. Normally people are so shocked that he has ample time to
get away unnoticed. In his last anonymous phonecall to MaLingua, he
expressed his ideology in these words "[] [] [] [] [] []."
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